Introduction: Understanding Avoidant Attachment Styles
There’s often a negative perception surrounding individuals displaying avoidant tendencies. This common perspective, while understandable on the surface, tends to overlook the deeper reasons behind these behaviors. In this blog post, we’ll delve into the world of avoidant attachment styles, shed light on their experiences, and highlight the importance of empathy.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment Styles
Avoidant attachment is a type of insecure attachment originally coined by the renowned attachment specialist, John Bowlby. His groundbreaking research focused on children’s attachment to their mothers, but the principles extend to adult relationships as well. The good news is that attachment styles aren’t set in stone; they can evolve over time with understanding and effort.
Sue Johnson, a therapist who focuses on attachment dynamics between couples, is another expert to follow on this topic. She emphasizes the importance of addressing childhood attachment triggers in conflict resolution. Rather than immediately seeking solutions during relationship conflicts, she advocates acknowledging the underlying attachment issues. Navigating this can be challenging! I have clients who feel like they have to hide and protect the most vulnerable parts of themselves during an argument.
Avoidant attachment isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept. It exists on a spectrum, with some individuals exhibiting these traits more prominently than others. Common behaviors among avoidant-attachers include a strong need for alone time, a tendency to withdraw when questioned about their emotions, and emotional shutdowns during times of overwhelm or emotional triggering.
The Impact on Sex and Relationships
Studies, as highlighted in Amir Levine’s book “Attached,” suggest that avoidant attachment styles are prevalent in the dating world. This prevalence can pose challenges for those seeking committed partners through online dating platforms. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often find themselves in shorter-term relationships and are more likely to be single than those with secure or anxious attachment styles.
Additionally, people with avoidant attachment styles frequently do not need to feel emotionally connected in order to have sex. I have some anxiously attached clients partnered with avoidantly attached individuals. One client recently told me he feels his partner is selfish for not wanting to have sex after they connect emotionally. Her perspective as a distancer is that he sees emotional connection and sex as two separate things. This makes sense in light of core erotic themes, the things that turn us on the most. While emotional connection is the reason many people want to make love, for others it is not. Normalizing this for clients has helped reduce shame. Some avoidant individuals do still enjoy emotionally connected sex; however, it may not be as frequent as the anxious-attacher desires it.
The Empathy Gap
Viewing their behavior through a nervous system and trauma perspective reveals that they often withdraw because their nervous systems are overwhelmed. Avoidant-attachers may feel emotionally unsafe and unable to articulate their feelings, leading to a need for emotional distance to recalibrate.
The freeze response, one of the oldest survival mechanisms in our fight-flight-freeze response system, can make them perceive many situations as emotionally dangerous. When they pull away, it’s often a coping mechanism to manage their heightened emotional state. Note that this is a trauma response. Some traumatized individuals struggle to emotionally calm down through the comfort of others. They may be better equipped to self-regulate through self-care (hence the need for increased alone time). Giving them this space is very important to the success of the relationship.
Conclusion: Building Empathy and Support
In conclusion, understanding avoidant attachment styles from a more empathetic viewpoint is crucial. By recognizing the underlying reasons for their behaviors, we can provide the support and compassion these individuals need. Through empathy and patience, we can help them navigate their attachment challenges and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. I am a therapist who can assist you in developing more secure attachment bonds. Contact me at melissamcmanis.com
Melissa McManis, LCSW; Trained in the Somatica Method of Sex and Relationship Therapy and Coaching
Dive Deeper with These Resources:
- Deconstructing Avoidant Attachment – Understanding avoidant attachment with insights from GoodTherapy.
- Understanding Attachment – Psychology Today’s guide to attachment styles.
- PsychAlive: Understanding Avoidant Attachment – Learn more about avoidant attachment and its impact on relationships.
For more tips on improving intimacy, check out our Sex Therapy and Erotic Recovery page.
