Explore the world of avoidant attachment styles and learn why they deserve empathy. Discover how these individuals react and why, all from a psychological and trauma perspective.
In both personal and professional circles, there’s often a negative perception surrounding individuals displaying avoidant tendencies. This common perspective, while understandable on the surface, tends to overlook the deeper reasons behind these behaviors. In this blog post, we’ll delve into the world of avoidant attachment styles, shed light on their experiences, and highlight the importance of empathy.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment Styles
Avoidant attachment is a type of insecure attachment originally coined by the renowned attachment specialist, John Bowlby. His groundbreaking research focused on children’s attachment to their mothers, but the principles extend to adult relationships as well. The good news is that attachment styles aren’t set in stone; they can evolve over time with understanding and effort.
The Spectrum of Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept. It exists on a spectrum, with some individuals exhibiting these traits more prominently than others. Common behaviors among avoidant-attachers include a strong need for alone time, a tendency to withdraw when questioned about their emotions, and emotional shutdowns during times of overwhelm or emotional triggering.
Dr. Sue Johnson’s Insights
Dr. Sue Johnson, a prominent figure in attachment theory and adult relationships, emphasizes the importance of addressing childhood attachment triggers in conflict resolution. Rather than immediately seeking solutions during relationship conflicts, she advocates acknowledging the underlying attachment issues.
The Impact on Dating and Relationships
Studies, as highlighted in Amir Levine’s book “Attached,” suggest that avoidant attachment styles are prevalent in the dating world. This prevalence can pose challenges for those seeking committed partners through online dating platforms. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often find themselves in shorter-term relationships and are more likely to be single than those with secure or anxious attachment styles.
The Empathy Gap
It’s essential to bridge the empathy gap when it comes to avoidant-attachers. Viewing their behavior through a nervous system and trauma perspective reveals that they often withdraw because their nervous systems are overwhelmed. They may feel emotionally unsafe and unable to articulate their feelings, leading to a need for emotional distance to recalibrate.
The freeze response, one of the oldest survival mechanisms in our fight-flight-freeze response system, can make them perceive many situations as emotionally dangerous. When they pull away, it’s often a coping mechanism to manage their heightened emotional state.
In conclusion, understanding avoidant attachment styles from a more empathetic viewpoint is crucial. By recognizing the underlying reasons for their behaviors, we can provide the support and compassion these individuals need. Through empathy and patience, we can help them navigate their attachment challenges and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. I am a therapist that can assist you in developing more secure attachment bonds. Contact me at melissamcmanis.com
Melissa McManis, LCSW
Sex and Relationship Therapist
