As a trauma and erotic recovery therapist, I’ve encountered countless women longing to reconnect with their erotic essence. They often share their stories in muted tones, revealing a diminished connection to their innermost desires. Today, we’ll delve into the emotional realm of sexual well-being, primarily informed by Emily Nagoski’s pivotal book, “Come As You Are.”
The Dual Control Model Explained
Central to Nagoski’s teachings is the Dual Control Model. Picture the accelerator and brakes of a vehicle. While the accelerator kindles our arousal, the brakes denote our inhibitors. Every woman possesses a unique blend of these accelerators and brakes. Discovering your personal erotic essence involves recognizing this balance and optimizing it. Past traumas, societal expectations, or internal apprehensions can sometimes heighten our brakes. Identifying and mitigating these can lead to transformative experiences.
The Profound Role of Emotional Context
Nagoski’s emphasis on the emotional context in sexual well-being is revolutionary. Our sexual drive isn’t static but an ever-shifting garden of emotions. The beauty is, there’s no need for repair—only understanding. Just as a melody might elicit tears one day and joy the next, our sexual reactions are influenced by our emotional milieu. This adaptability is something to cherish and celebrate.
Debunking the Myth of the “Normal” in Sexual Well-Being
For countless women, the misperception of what is “normal” is a primary source of anguish. Mainstream media, cinematic portrayals, and certain literature propagate a distorted representation of female sexuality. Nagoski’s work underscores the vast spectrum of what ‘normal’ encompasses. Your erotic essence, with its unique nuances, is authentic and commendable.
Steps to Nurturing Your Erotic Essence
- Self-Compassion: The journey begins with self-love. Inhale acceptance and exhale any self-doubt or judgment.
- Mindful Eroticism: Dedicate moments for personal exploration. This could be through erotic literature, self-intimacy, or meditation concentrating on your desires.
- Seeking Expertise: Engaging with professionals like me, attending supportive groups, or immersing oneself in seminal literature like Nagoski’s can illuminate fresh viewpoints.
- Body Attunement: Engaging in regular physical activity, maintaining a healthy diet, and practicing mindfulness can help you remain attuned to your physical entity. Your body is a reservoir of wisdom; heed its call.
- Fostering Open Dialogues: Engage in candid conversations with your partner. Share your anxieties, yearnings, and boundaries. An empathetic partner can play an instrumental role in your erotic journey.
In wrapping up, nurturing your erotic essence is a voyage marked by love, acceptance, and exploration. Guided by the insights from Emily Nagoski’s “Come As You Are” and my own professional encounters, I am confident that every woman can unearth her distinct erotic rhythm—a harmonious blend of fervor and tranquility.
–Melissa McManis, LCSW, Trauma and Erotic Recovery Therapist
